2010 - New decade, unlimited possibilities

Who am I?

I wish I had an answer for that. Hopefully I can find some insight into myself through writing about what I'm going through on a daily basis. I do know that I don't want this blog just to be a channel for negativity - I want it to be an avenue for learning about why I do the things I do and hopefully figure out a way to change those habits which have been detrimental to me my entire life. I want to be the best man I can be - and I know that as long as I keep trying and pushing through I can do it. I just need to get all the different aspects of who the "ideal" me to sync up. I need to actively search out and work on all the pieces of this complex puzzle that makes up who I am. I want to learn more about myself in the process

So where to begin?

In 2005, my life was very complicated. I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship, and I had hit absolute rock bottom. My weight had spiraled out of control, and the simplest of tasks were difficult if not impossible to do. Finding clothes grew increasingly more and more difficult; I mean I was in a 72" waist pants and a 8x shirt. If you've ever seen a pair of jeans with a 72" waist, you were probably at a loss for words. I know I was.

Food was more about entertainment than anything else. Actually, I would say that food was more like my drug of choice. Some people smoke weed, some drink beer....me, I was a pizza, fast food & candy junkie. Trust me - I'm not exaggerating when I say if I could have mainlined it, I probably would have.

I had no idea what my weight was, but I knew I wasn't going to be around much longer if I kept on the same path. To be brutally honest, at the time I really didn't even care if I lived or died.

Then, I seriously believe that God intervened and gave me an unbelievable gift. A good friend of mine John who worked at a local radio station asked me if I'd be interested in a participating in a "biggest loser" contest being sponsored by 97.3 the Brew and Fitness Together in the Third ward. I was so hesitant, I'm fortunate they were patient with me. After some time and some soul searching I decided that at that moment in time in my life I was meant to be a part of the competition. I said yes, and became a contestant in the weight loss challenge. And at the time I thought it was just a game - I had no idea just how much I would learn.

That's when I learned for the first time in many years what my weight was. At my first weigh-in, I came in at 557 pounds. I cried with the trainers that would become some of the best friends I could ask for. I prayed to God for strength to get me through each day and each workout.

In the first 8 weeks of the competition, I lost 74 pounds. I had seen that losing the weight was possible, something I never thought I could ever do.

I was given a great gift in being able to continue to train at Fitness Together. Because of them, they taught me to believe in myself - something I never had been able to do before. They believed in me when I didn't - when I couldn't. They had faith in me. Through the next 3 years they laughed with me; they cried with me; they helped me understand me a little bit more.

Through some amazing training sessions, and open communication I made great strides. I saw the pounds melt off. I was consistent with my workouts, my cardio and my eating. I was eating to fuel my body, not for entertainment anymore. I made personal sacrifices but it paid off.

I saw the scale move down and down and down. 557....480....420.....310.....290......271....until I reached my lowest weight on 261 pounds. I had transformed into someone that I couldn't hardly recognize at times. I had gone from a 72" waist to a 44" waist....I fit comfortably in a 2XL shirt....I looked good...I felt good...I had more confidence on stage (I've played guitar as long as I could stand - another one of those things that has defined who I am...and I'm sure that will be a topic of discussion as time goes on as well).....everything was better in my life. But....

There's always a but with me.....

But, something in my still wasn't happy...something wasn't right. I had lost the weight, but I hadn't come to understand how my brain worked. My body changed by my brain didn't. I never came to terms with the things that got me to 557 pounds in the first place.....the lifetime of compulsive overeating.....the lifetime of complacency....the lifetime of being innundated with negativity from a world that doesn't like obese people......that stuff doesn't go away just because the weight does. I've been hurt a lot in my life because of intolerance and cruelty of people. I can close my eyes and re-live moments from my childhood that scarred me emotionally.

I never came to terms with any of that. And I hope I can write it all out and make some sense of it all.

Sure, there were a lot of things going right in my life, but a lot of things weren't as well. My Grandfather's health was failing and I lost him in 2007. I lost my dad. I stood by his side as he passed away. I watched him deteriorate and That wasn't easy....and I still think about him everyday.

My weight started going back up starting after a vacation in late 2007. 2008 Was a tough year too.....those details I'm going to keep private. I kept with my training sessions but my cardio started to slide. And then, I beame a little (ok alot) more relaxed with my food intake. The scale kept creeping up slowly...I went from 261 to 300...to 325....to 350.....

Early-2009, I stopped going to Fitness Together. I didn't have it in me to keep to the program...I grew more and more frustrated with each training session and felt like I just couldn't do it anymore.

In October of 2009I lost someone very close to me - my Cousin Jennifer. She was more like a sister to me, and the loss has really affected me. Gone too soon.

In 2009, my Aunt was also diagnosed with Cancer. That also left me feel so lost and hopeless at times as well. Through God, she is currently cancer-free and I am so happy about that blessing.

My weight has gone up and up and up and I'm really feeling the negative effects of it now. Clothes don't fit me right anymore; I'm not comfortable at all in my own skin; my knees hurt everyday; My self-esteem in in the toilet. And that's not fair to me or the people in my life that I really care about and love.

I did join another gym, but I haven't been as consistent as I should have been. I just lost my fire and my motivation. It's so easy to become complacent.

So here I sit, in front of the laptop watching the Biggest Loser trying to figure out where my fire went. In 2010 I want that motivation and dedication back. I don't want to lie to myself anymore. I want to start focusing on being more positive and work towards being the man I know I can be.

The crazy thing is, I know that I have fallen a long way from where I was but here's the thing.....I am starting to believe that this is where I am supposed to be...This is my story and it's different from everyone else's......This is the middle of my book of life.....And the funniest thing is neither you or I know how it's going to end. I know where I want to be, but I'll have to take this 1 paragraph at a time....one page at a time until each chapter is written.

I'm realizing that I am not a failure for putting the weight back on (the last time I weighed in about 3 weeks ago I was at 404 pounds). It's just a small detour on my path towards the final chapter of this story and I am confident that one way or another I will find my happily ever after.

Much love,
Tommy