More than just an 80's New Wave classic......

Here in my car
I feel safest of all
I can lock all my doors
It's the only way to live
In cars
-Gary Numan

There has always been something strangely comforting about being in my car - it's been my refuge, my hiding place; a place that has held secrets no one else knows. My car has been witness to many glorious adventures in gluttony, which some people might also refer to as binges. My car has always been the place where no one can judge me no matter what food or food-product I may shove into my mouth.

My car has helped me add to my wall of denial. It's almost as if part of my brain believes that if I eat it in my car, the calories don't count. And, if I throw the wrappers and containers away without anyone seeing them, then the binges never really happened, right?

 Riiiiiighhhhhhttttt...........

 It's amazing the level of denial that I can live with on a daily basis but the truth is, I'm not fooling anyone, most importantly myself. I think the hardest thing I've been dealing with since I went "on my own" with fitness and eating right is the accountability factor. When I used to go to Fitness Together, I had to keep an accountability journal. It was an interesting learning experience - that when I had to account for my actions and lack of action with others I had an easier times keeping myself from eating and drinking what I shouldn't be.

 Now that I'm on my own, I need to learn to be accountable for myself which is not an easy task. It's not impossible, but it is difficult. I am the one who got me back to where I am. I've proven time and again that I can't trust myself to watch out for myself. The frightening part is now I HAVE to do this, or things are going to get worse. I don't have anyone chasing me down to look at my accountability journal to see if I'm staying on plan. I suppose my fears have been getting the best of me as of late. That and the fact that since I put the weight back on my self-confidence and self-esteem have both plummeted. That is a wicked combination that could easily lead to failure - but I don't want to fail at this. I don't want to fail at getting my life back to where I want it to be - to be healthy; to lead a life filled with excitement and new journeys; to be the man I want to be; to have the confidence to be who I want to be and not be so damn scared of trying something new. The past has taught me that change is good - and I need to embrace it again.

 The good news is that I've gone a week without eating in my car. For me, that is a huge step in the right direction. Every morning when I get in my car to leave for work, it amazes me to look down at the floor on the passenger side and not see it littered with wrappers, bottles and bags. I'm hoping and praying that one week will turn into a month and then a year. At least I can say I am trying 100% to not eat in my car - and by not eating in my car I don't have to lie to myself, and, in-turn my conscience is a little bit clearer.

Sometime when you're in that place that makes you feel the safest of all, take a look around and make sure that you're not lying to yourself. There is beauty in truth and a certain freedom which comes from breaking those ties that bind. Being truthful is a virtue; and so damn hard to do.

much love,
Tommy