Here in my car
I feel safest of all
I can lock all my doors
It's the only way to live
In cars
-Gary Numan
There has always been something strangely comforting about being in my car - it's been my refuge, my hiding place; a place that has held secrets no one else knows. My car has been witness to many glorious adventures in gluttony, which some people might also refer to as binges. My car has always been the place where no one can judge me no matter what food or food-product I may shove into my mouth.
My car has helped me add to my wall of denial. It's almost as if part of my brain believes that if I eat it in my car, the calories don't count. And, if I throw the wrappers and containers away without anyone seeing them, then the binges never really happened, right?
Riiiiiighhhhhhttttt...........
It's amazing the level of denial that I can live with on a daily basis but the truth is, I'm not fooling anyone, most importantly myself. I think the hardest thing I've been dealing with since I went "on my own" with fitness and eating right is the accountability factor. When I used to go to Fitness Together, I had to keep an accountability journal. It was an interesting learning experience - that when I had to account for my actions and lack of action with others I had an easier times keeping myself from eating and drinking what I shouldn't be.
Now that I'm on my own, I need to learn to be accountable for myself which is not an easy task. It's not impossible, but it is difficult. I am the one who got me back to where I am. I've proven time and again that I can't trust myself to watch out for myself. The frightening part is now I HAVE to do this, or things are going to get worse. I don't have anyone chasing me down to look at my accountability journal to see if I'm staying on plan. I suppose my fears have been getting the best of me as of late. That and the fact that since I put the weight back on my self-confidence and self-esteem have both plummeted. That is a wicked combination that could easily lead to failure - but I don't want to fail at this. I don't want to fail at getting my life back to where I want it to be - to be healthy; to lead a life filled with excitement and new journeys; to be the man I want to be; to have the confidence to be who I want to be and not be so damn scared of trying something new. The past has taught me that change is good - and I need to embrace it again.
The good news is that I've gone a week without eating in my car. For me, that is a huge step in the right direction. Every morning when I get in my car to leave for work, it amazes me to look down at the floor on the passenger side and not see it littered with wrappers, bottles and bags. I'm hoping and praying that one week will turn into a month and then a year. At least I can say I am trying 100% to not eat in my car - and by not eating in my car I don't have to lie to myself, and, in-turn my conscience is a little bit clearer.
Sometime when you're in that place that makes you feel the safest of all, take a look around and make sure that you're not lying to yourself. There is beauty in truth and a certain freedom which comes from breaking those ties that bind. Being truthful is a virtue; and so damn hard to do.
much love,
Tommy
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Wednesday's almost done....It's all down-hill from here...
Well, as I sit here reflecting on this past week, some things I've done good, and some things have not been so good.
Good thing #1: I've made it to Cardinal Fitness Sunday through today....focusing solely on Cardio. The elliptical I find kicks my ass a heck of a lot more that the treadmill at this point. I think it's a good to mix up the machines just to give myself variety. I've only been doing 20 minutes at a crank, but it's been a GOOD 20 minutes.
The treadmill has been good too....one day I even ran again for 30 seconds....not much but it's something, right? I want to get to the point where I can run longer. I admit, I have runners envy - when I see people at a good clip on the treadmill or jogging outside, I always have the feeling of, "Man, I used to to be in that club...running free...taking in the outdoors...." Now I watch them, feeling like I've been kicked out of the club and it's all my own damn fault. It's weird, but I WANT to run again. Hopefully someday I'll be in that elite club. :)
Good thing #2: I've cut down on the Fat Free Vanilla Lattes.....Actually the last 3 days, I've cut them out completely. I've switched to iced green tea...And I LOVE the Caffeine too...I know, I know...I gotta cut that out too ;)
Semi-good thing #3: Yesterday and today I was EXTREMELY stressed out....and as I was talking to a good friend of mine about some options I might have, I walked into the Sussex rec center where I teach guitar, and they had two bowls of candy on the counter. I walked up to them and then walked away from them two or three times....until the stress built up in me and I went up to the counter and I ate three sour cherry balls. Then I walked away, came back, and had two pieces of hard candy. I almost went back to the bowl to grab a roll of smarties (pure sugar which would be just as good injected directly into my arse) but I was able to step away from the counter and resist the urge to eat one roll which most likely would have lead to two and then ten.....So, even though I succumbed to my addiction (to call it by any other name would be lying to myself) I was able to walk away instead of crashing and burning. See what I mean - semi-good thing. ;)
I need to keep trying to learn more about the way my brain processes things and deals with stress. I'm guessing it will eventually get to the point where I should go talk to a trained professional, but I've been down that road and wasn't very successful. I'll just keep reading, and surfing the net looking for answers praying to God for clarity the whole time. Without God, I know I don't have a chance of beating this; but I do know that with him all things are possible. I think I'm learning that through these trials and tribulations my faith will grow stronger both in God and Myself. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?
Well, tomorrow night is band practice, so I will be skipping cardinal tomorrow. I am putting it in my calendar to go both Friday and Saturday to make it 6 days of cardio. I had to go to urgent care last Friday for my wrist which I hurt moving some boxes. I'm supposed to be resting it and hopefully the strain will get better. Next week I want to do some light resistance training and get into doing some weights. I have to be careful though so I don't do any permanent damage.
I guess that's about it for today - time to shower and get to bed. I'm pooped. I'm making a promise to myself to keep working at staying strong and being the best me I can be hour to hour, day to day.
Much Love,
Tommy
Good thing #1: I've made it to Cardinal Fitness Sunday through today....focusing solely on Cardio. The elliptical I find kicks my ass a heck of a lot more that the treadmill at this point. I think it's a good to mix up the machines just to give myself variety. I've only been doing 20 minutes at a crank, but it's been a GOOD 20 minutes.
The treadmill has been good too....one day I even ran again for 30 seconds....not much but it's something, right? I want to get to the point where I can run longer. I admit, I have runners envy - when I see people at a good clip on the treadmill or jogging outside, I always have the feeling of, "Man, I used to to be in that club...running free...taking in the outdoors...." Now I watch them, feeling like I've been kicked out of the club and it's all my own damn fault. It's weird, but I WANT to run again. Hopefully someday I'll be in that elite club. :)
Good thing #2: I've cut down on the Fat Free Vanilla Lattes.....Actually the last 3 days, I've cut them out completely. I've switched to iced green tea...And I LOVE the Caffeine too...I know, I know...I gotta cut that out too ;)
Semi-good thing #3: Yesterday and today I was EXTREMELY stressed out....and as I was talking to a good friend of mine about some options I might have, I walked into the Sussex rec center where I teach guitar, and they had two bowls of candy on the counter. I walked up to them and then walked away from them two or three times....until the stress built up in me and I went up to the counter and I ate three sour cherry balls. Then I walked away, came back, and had two pieces of hard candy. I almost went back to the bowl to grab a roll of smarties (pure sugar which would be just as good injected directly into my arse) but I was able to step away from the counter and resist the urge to eat one roll which most likely would have lead to two and then ten.....So, even though I succumbed to my addiction (to call it by any other name would be lying to myself) I was able to walk away instead of crashing and burning. See what I mean - semi-good thing. ;)
I need to keep trying to learn more about the way my brain processes things and deals with stress. I'm guessing it will eventually get to the point where I should go talk to a trained professional, but I've been down that road and wasn't very successful. I'll just keep reading, and surfing the net looking for answers praying to God for clarity the whole time. Without God, I know I don't have a chance of beating this; but I do know that with him all things are possible. I think I'm learning that through these trials and tribulations my faith will grow stronger both in God and Myself. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?
Well, tomorrow night is band practice, so I will be skipping cardinal tomorrow. I am putting it in my calendar to go both Friday and Saturday to make it 6 days of cardio. I had to go to urgent care last Friday for my wrist which I hurt moving some boxes. I'm supposed to be resting it and hopefully the strain will get better. Next week I want to do some light resistance training and get into doing some weights. I have to be careful though so I don't do any permanent damage.
I guess that's about it for today - time to shower and get to bed. I'm pooped. I'm making a promise to myself to keep working at staying strong and being the best me I can be hour to hour, day to day.
Much Love,
Tommy
Friday, January 8, 2010
My Almighty But...or is that Butt?!
So here it is Friday, January 8th and I find myself at the end of a pretty good week. I made it to Cardinal Fitness on Saturday, Monday & Wednesday (with the commitment to go tonight after work and tomorrow morning) and I did the Biggest Loser Power Sculpt workout DVD on Tuesday night - Jillian kicked my butt. Food has been pretty OK, but I'm finding I have a soft spot for fat free Vanilla cappuchino. And trust me, I'm not fooling myself thinking that because it's fat free it can be classified as a health food. It's an indulgence, and one day at a time I'm slowly going to wean myself off them.
It's been odd, not filling up on candy and sweets. The entire month of December - oh hell, throw November in there too - was a disaster, My compulsion was in full-effect and the loss of control was at an all time high. For the life of me I can't figure out why I can resist it now but I couldn't in those disastrous months. I can't guarantee that I'm not going to have a slip in the next hour, day or week. It's the unpredictability of it that I wish I could understand. Especially, since this week I received an upsetting and frustrating phone call that I wasn't expecting. Miraculously, I didn't run to the comfort of Junior Mints or Red vines. Not sure why I was able to handle it this time around.
Subway has been my friend this week too. It's good to know that there is such a healthy option out there especially when you don't cook. I mean, I'd love to be able to cook and prepare meals everyday, but (there's my almighty but...not to be confused with my other almighty butt ;) ) life is hectic, and unpredictable. At least I can do Subway, or know I can grab a baked potato and grilled chicken sandwich from Wendy's. Like I learned many years ago at Fitness Together, it's about making the best choice out of the options in front of you.
I did hurt my wrist this week moving some cases of paper at work, so any kind of weight/resistance training is off the schedule for now - I'm guessing at least a week, It's hurting pretty bad, but I'll work through it. I can still do cardio, and utilize the treadmill and elliptical more.
I found a great treadmill workout that I've been doing all week - it really has pushed me and I've loved doing it. I even ran on the treadmill for the first time in a long time. It'll be a while before I'm running any long distances, but it gives me something positive to work toward and envision myself doing. I'm already planning (at least in my head) to do the Storm the Bastille 5K again in July. I'm thinking my goal will be to run half of it and walk half of it.
In my 20 minutes workout I work up a pretty good sweat. Next week, I'm going to increase the speeds. The following week, I'm going to increase my time to 25 minutes. Long term goal is 35-40 minutes on the treadmill 4 to 5 days a week. I'm trying to ease into it so I don't over-do it, get too sore, and then get frustrated. One day at a time.
I've gotta keep reminding myself that the weight didn't come back on in a week, and I'm not going to lose it in a week. I need to work hard, be strong, trust in the process, keep praying and keep working on believing in myself. I've done it before and I can do it again.
Much Love,
Tommy
It's been odd, not filling up on candy and sweets. The entire month of December - oh hell, throw November in there too - was a disaster, My compulsion was in full-effect and the loss of control was at an all time high. For the life of me I can't figure out why I can resist it now but I couldn't in those disastrous months. I can't guarantee that I'm not going to have a slip in the next hour, day or week. It's the unpredictability of it that I wish I could understand. Especially, since this week I received an upsetting and frustrating phone call that I wasn't expecting. Miraculously, I didn't run to the comfort of Junior Mints or Red vines. Not sure why I was able to handle it this time around.
Subway has been my friend this week too. It's good to know that there is such a healthy option out there especially when you don't cook. I mean, I'd love to be able to cook and prepare meals everyday, but (there's my almighty but...not to be confused with my other almighty butt ;) ) life is hectic, and unpredictable. At least I can do Subway, or know I can grab a baked potato and grilled chicken sandwich from Wendy's. Like I learned many years ago at Fitness Together, it's about making the best choice out of the options in front of you.
I did hurt my wrist this week moving some cases of paper at work, so any kind of weight/resistance training is off the schedule for now - I'm guessing at least a week, It's hurting pretty bad, but I'll work through it. I can still do cardio, and utilize the treadmill and elliptical more.
I found a great treadmill workout that I've been doing all week - it really has pushed me and I've loved doing it. I even ran on the treadmill for the first time in a long time. It'll be a while before I'm running any long distances, but it gives me something positive to work toward and envision myself doing. I'm already planning (at least in my head) to do the Storm the Bastille 5K again in July. I'm thinking my goal will be to run half of it and walk half of it.
In my 20 minutes workout I work up a pretty good sweat. Next week, I'm going to increase the speeds. The following week, I'm going to increase my time to 25 minutes. Long term goal is 35-40 minutes on the treadmill 4 to 5 days a week. I'm trying to ease into it so I don't over-do it, get too sore, and then get frustrated. One day at a time.
I've gotta keep reminding myself that the weight didn't come back on in a week, and I'm not going to lose it in a week. I need to work hard, be strong, trust in the process, keep praying and keep working on believing in myself. I've done it before and I can do it again.
Much Love,
Tommy
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
2010 - New decade, unlimited possibilities
Who am I?
I wish I had an answer for that. Hopefully I can find some insight into myself through writing about what I'm going through on a daily basis. I do know that I don't want this blog just to be a channel for negativity - I want it to be an avenue for learning about why I do the things I do and hopefully figure out a way to change those habits which have been detrimental to me my entire life. I want to be the best man I can be - and I know that as long as I keep trying and pushing through I can do it. I just need to get all the different aspects of who the "ideal" me to sync up. I need to actively search out and work on all the pieces of this complex puzzle that makes up who I am. I want to learn more about myself in the process
So where to begin?
In 2005, my life was very complicated. I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship, and I had hit absolute rock bottom. My weight had spiraled out of control, and the simplest of tasks were difficult if not impossible to do. Finding clothes grew increasingly more and more difficult; I mean I was in a 72" waist pants and a 8x shirt. If you've ever seen a pair of jeans with a 72" waist, you were probably at a loss for words. I know I was.
Food was more about entertainment than anything else. Actually, I would say that food was more like my drug of choice. Some people smoke weed, some drink beer....me, I was a pizza, fast food & candy junkie. Trust me - I'm not exaggerating when I say if I could have mainlined it, I probably would have.
I had no idea what my weight was, but I knew I wasn't going to be around much longer if I kept on the same path. To be brutally honest, at the time I really didn't even care if I lived or died.
Then, I seriously believe that God intervened and gave me an unbelievable gift. A good friend of mine John who worked at a local radio station asked me if I'd be interested in a participating in a "biggest loser" contest being sponsored by 97.3 the Brew and Fitness Together in the Third ward. I was so hesitant, I'm fortunate they were patient with me. After some time and some soul searching I decided that at that moment in time in my life I was meant to be a part of the competition. I said yes, and became a contestant in the weight loss challenge. And at the time I thought it was just a game - I had no idea just how much I would learn.
That's when I learned for the first time in many years what my weight was. At my first weigh-in, I came in at 557 pounds. I cried with the trainers that would become some of the best friends I could ask for. I prayed to God for strength to get me through each day and each workout.
In the first 8 weeks of the competition, I lost 74 pounds. I had seen that losing the weight was possible, something I never thought I could ever do.
I was given a great gift in being able to continue to train at Fitness Together. Because of them, they taught me to believe in myself - something I never had been able to do before. They believed in me when I didn't - when I couldn't. They had faith in me. Through the next 3 years they laughed with me; they cried with me; they helped me understand me a little bit more.
Through some amazing training sessions, and open communication I made great strides. I saw the pounds melt off. I was consistent with my workouts, my cardio and my eating. I was eating to fuel my body, not for entertainment anymore. I made personal sacrifices but it paid off.
I saw the scale move down and down and down. 557....480....420.....310.....290......271....until I reached my lowest weight on 261 pounds. I had transformed into someone that I couldn't hardly recognize at times. I had gone from a 72" waist to a 44" waist....I fit comfortably in a 2XL shirt....I looked good...I felt good...I had more confidence on stage (I've played guitar as long as I could stand - another one of those things that has defined who I am...and I'm sure that will be a topic of discussion as time goes on as well).....everything was better in my life. But....
There's always a but with me.....
But, something in my still wasn't happy...something wasn't right. I had lost the weight, but I hadn't come to understand how my brain worked. My body changed by my brain didn't. I never came to terms with the things that got me to 557 pounds in the first place.....the lifetime of compulsive overeating.....the lifetime of complacency....the lifetime of being innundated with negativity from a world that doesn't like obese people......that stuff doesn't go away just because the weight does. I've been hurt a lot in my life because of intolerance and cruelty of people. I can close my eyes and re-live moments from my childhood that scarred me emotionally.
I never came to terms with any of that. And I hope I can write it all out and make some sense of it all.
Sure, there were a lot of things going right in my life, but a lot of things weren't as well. My Grandfather's health was failing and I lost him in 2007. I lost my dad. I stood by his side as he passed away. I watched him deteriorate and That wasn't easy....and I still think about him everyday.
My weight started going back up starting after a vacation in late 2007. 2008 Was a tough year too.....those details I'm going to keep private. I kept with my training sessions but my cardio started to slide. And then, I beame a little (ok alot) more relaxed with my food intake. The scale kept creeping up slowly...I went from 261 to 300...to 325....to 350.....
Early-2009, I stopped going to Fitness Together. I didn't have it in me to keep to the program...I grew more and more frustrated with each training session and felt like I just couldn't do it anymore.
In October of 2009I lost someone very close to me - my Cousin Jennifer. She was more like a sister to me, and the loss has really affected me. Gone too soon.
In 2009, my Aunt was also diagnosed with Cancer. That also left me feel so lost and hopeless at times as well. Through God, she is currently cancer-free and I am so happy about that blessing.
My weight has gone up and up and up and I'm really feeling the negative effects of it now. Clothes don't fit me right anymore; I'm not comfortable at all in my own skin; my knees hurt everyday; My self-esteem in in the toilet. And that's not fair to me or the people in my life that I really care about and love.
I did join another gym, but I haven't been as consistent as I should have been. I just lost my fire and my motivation. It's so easy to become complacent.
So here I sit, in front of the laptop watching the Biggest Loser trying to figure out where my fire went. In 2010 I want that motivation and dedication back. I don't want to lie to myself anymore. I want to start focusing on being more positive and work towards being the man I know I can be.
The crazy thing is, I know that I have fallen a long way from where I was but here's the thing.....I am starting to believe that this is where I am supposed to be...This is my story and it's different from everyone else's......This is the middle of my book of life.....And the funniest thing is neither you or I know how it's going to end. I know where I want to be, but I'll have to take this 1 paragraph at a time....one page at a time until each chapter is written.
I'm realizing that I am not a failure for putting the weight back on (the last time I weighed in about 3 weeks ago I was at 404 pounds). It's just a small detour on my path towards the final chapter of this story and I am confident that one way or another I will find my happily ever after.
Much love,
Tommy
I wish I had an answer for that. Hopefully I can find some insight into myself through writing about what I'm going through on a daily basis. I do know that I don't want this blog just to be a channel for negativity - I want it to be an avenue for learning about why I do the things I do and hopefully figure out a way to change those habits which have been detrimental to me my entire life. I want to be the best man I can be - and I know that as long as I keep trying and pushing through I can do it. I just need to get all the different aspects of who the "ideal" me to sync up. I need to actively search out and work on all the pieces of this complex puzzle that makes up who I am. I want to learn more about myself in the process
So where to begin?
In 2005, my life was very complicated. I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship, and I had hit absolute rock bottom. My weight had spiraled out of control, and the simplest of tasks were difficult if not impossible to do. Finding clothes grew increasingly more and more difficult; I mean I was in a 72" waist pants and a 8x shirt. If you've ever seen a pair of jeans with a 72" waist, you were probably at a loss for words. I know I was.
Food was more about entertainment than anything else. Actually, I would say that food was more like my drug of choice. Some people smoke weed, some drink beer....me, I was a pizza, fast food & candy junkie. Trust me - I'm not exaggerating when I say if I could have mainlined it, I probably would have.
I had no idea what my weight was, but I knew I wasn't going to be around much longer if I kept on the same path. To be brutally honest, at the time I really didn't even care if I lived or died.
Then, I seriously believe that God intervened and gave me an unbelievable gift. A good friend of mine John who worked at a local radio station asked me if I'd be interested in a participating in a "biggest loser" contest being sponsored by 97.3 the Brew and Fitness Together in the Third ward. I was so hesitant, I'm fortunate they were patient with me. After some time and some soul searching I decided that at that moment in time in my life I was meant to be a part of the competition. I said yes, and became a contestant in the weight loss challenge. And at the time I thought it was just a game - I had no idea just how much I would learn.
That's when I learned for the first time in many years what my weight was. At my first weigh-in, I came in at 557 pounds. I cried with the trainers that would become some of the best friends I could ask for. I prayed to God for strength to get me through each day and each workout.
In the first 8 weeks of the competition, I lost 74 pounds. I had seen that losing the weight was possible, something I never thought I could ever do.
I was given a great gift in being able to continue to train at Fitness Together. Because of them, they taught me to believe in myself - something I never had been able to do before. They believed in me when I didn't - when I couldn't. They had faith in me. Through the next 3 years they laughed with me; they cried with me; they helped me understand me a little bit more.
Through some amazing training sessions, and open communication I made great strides. I saw the pounds melt off. I was consistent with my workouts, my cardio and my eating. I was eating to fuel my body, not for entertainment anymore. I made personal sacrifices but it paid off.
I saw the scale move down and down and down. 557....480....420.....310.....290......271....until I reached my lowest weight on 261 pounds. I had transformed into someone that I couldn't hardly recognize at times. I had gone from a 72" waist to a 44" waist....I fit comfortably in a 2XL shirt....I looked good...I felt good...I had more confidence on stage (I've played guitar as long as I could stand - another one of those things that has defined who I am...and I'm sure that will be a topic of discussion as time goes on as well).....everything was better in my life. But....
There's always a but with me.....
But, something in my still wasn't happy...something wasn't right. I had lost the weight, but I hadn't come to understand how my brain worked. My body changed by my brain didn't. I never came to terms with the things that got me to 557 pounds in the first place.....the lifetime of compulsive overeating.....the lifetime of complacency....the lifetime of being innundated with negativity from a world that doesn't like obese people......that stuff doesn't go away just because the weight does. I've been hurt a lot in my life because of intolerance and cruelty of people. I can close my eyes and re-live moments from my childhood that scarred me emotionally.
I never came to terms with any of that. And I hope I can write it all out and make some sense of it all.
Sure, there were a lot of things going right in my life, but a lot of things weren't as well. My Grandfather's health was failing and I lost him in 2007. I lost my dad. I stood by his side as he passed away. I watched him deteriorate and That wasn't easy....and I still think about him everyday.
My weight started going back up starting after a vacation in late 2007. 2008 Was a tough year too.....those details I'm going to keep private. I kept with my training sessions but my cardio started to slide. And then, I beame a little (ok alot) more relaxed with my food intake. The scale kept creeping up slowly...I went from 261 to 300...to 325....to 350.....
Early-2009, I stopped going to Fitness Together. I didn't have it in me to keep to the program...I grew more and more frustrated with each training session and felt like I just couldn't do it anymore.
In October of 2009I lost someone very close to me - my Cousin Jennifer. She was more like a sister to me, and the loss has really affected me. Gone too soon.
In 2009, my Aunt was also diagnosed with Cancer. That also left me feel so lost and hopeless at times as well. Through God, she is currently cancer-free and I am so happy about that blessing.
My weight has gone up and up and up and I'm really feeling the negative effects of it now. Clothes don't fit me right anymore; I'm not comfortable at all in my own skin; my knees hurt everyday; My self-esteem in in the toilet. And that's not fair to me or the people in my life that I really care about and love.
I did join another gym, but I haven't been as consistent as I should have been. I just lost my fire and my motivation. It's so easy to become complacent.
So here I sit, in front of the laptop watching the Biggest Loser trying to figure out where my fire went. In 2010 I want that motivation and dedication back. I don't want to lie to myself anymore. I want to start focusing on being more positive and work towards being the man I know I can be.
The crazy thing is, I know that I have fallen a long way from where I was but here's the thing.....I am starting to believe that this is where I am supposed to be...This is my story and it's different from everyone else's......This is the middle of my book of life.....And the funniest thing is neither you or I know how it's going to end. I know where I want to be, but I'll have to take this 1 paragraph at a time....one page at a time until each chapter is written.
I'm realizing that I am not a failure for putting the weight back on (the last time I weighed in about 3 weeks ago I was at 404 pounds). It's just a small detour on my path towards the final chapter of this story and I am confident that one way or another I will find my happily ever after.
Much love,
Tommy
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